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January 3rd, 2016

06:48 pm

I had a dream that I was checking out this art studio and he was like a large studio
There are many students involved it was like an overnight campus they stayed at
I'm over there is probably like at least 60 plus student and we all practice in this one big room and it was almost like you had your art displayed outside and you had a cubicle of all the things that you created
Anthony was in my dream and Dennis
I came on campus checking out all the artworks and there was this woman who had a daughter who is Asian not sure why that was important but she showed one of her artwork seems like she is gone missing can you help me find her Studio note like a little cubicle that we worked in
Her art was abstract colors with at real life in a circle in the right-hand corner of the circle in the right hand corner of the canvas
Everyone went looking for a cubicle I'm not sure why no one knew her cubicle was but I was the one to find it
I remember walking down sing all the art displayed in the several different cubicles
And being moved emotionally with the different styles of art and how you can see the progression and the art and see them create such a beautiful things because they focused their energy on that unique style that was unique to them
So I found the cubicle with the tree of life and I brought the pain to the mother and she was like that's my daughters has anyone seen her
What's really weird is that the girl that was missing that paint all the the tree of life was actually a little girl in the beginning of the search
For some reason I ended up taking over her cubicle because it was right beside Anthony
And I told Anthony seeing all this art and seeing how people are focusing on what they're passionate about and what style their passion about would move me emotionally
I also told him that his voice and his music make me feel the same way
Anyways everyone that was in the cubicle area which share a flat or like a studio apartment everything was open like including the sleeping areas
This little girl that went missing really upset me my dream
And the tree of life was a very powerful symbol and I remember thinking to myself I have the tree life tattoo on me
Somehow this girl became a woman and now she's a missing one and there are three girls that were being interviewed one of them including myself to help find this missing girl and there was an audition and I can't remember if it was me or the girl that was missing was the only one in response to that audition
More more I think the missing girl is me even though I'm on a search to find her
I would find myself crying in my cubicle next to Anthony he would come and sooth me
I was on the search to find her and was really upset and that I couldn't find her
Anthony was my lover and we shared the studio apartment with Dennis we are going to skip class and Dennis wanted to come with and Anthony joke and he was like well we're going to go fuc and do you want to join us and in a way I think you're my dream that he was being serious and I'm overthinking I don't want to share and that's not something I'm interested in
Anyways that's when Nina to called I woke up

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January 2nd, 2016

02:35 am - June

If my siater is still around I might fly out to la and see what that place has in store for someone like me

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02:33 am - 2016 goals

Lean out. Drop weight and lengthen
Yoga, running

Try to juice as often as possible
Drink.tea. as always :)

Finish school (may)

In the next 5 months focus on money and bettering myself physically so I can get back into modeling
Make a diet plan, see a nutritionist*

Launch massage business in
And have a small office to worl on clients?

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December 17th, 2015

06:47 pm - Marriage

So I'm just pondering relationships and marriage and I can kind of see why around mid twenties a lot of unions and a breaking because these people invested in someone who is still building their dream. Like it makes me realize the risk you're taking when you get involved with someone who I mean they might speak of an end game or where they want to be but the thing is a lot of people I realize don't actually amount to what they with their dreams and the initial drive or reach their goals. So I'm beyond that point where you essentially invest in someone who hasn't I grown have to drive to class in Google Chat is not allow me to articulate my thoughts

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December 4th, 2015

10:21 pm - The reality of the successful independent person that is pursuing educational goals

This post is going to be called the reality
The reason why I'm saying this is that I'm driving to work right now crunching numbers all of my current lifestyle
So I'm in school for two courses and one course because I already have student loan out I have to pay in cash every month
So that's a grand
Rent is 1000
Car is 245 for insurance
Car is 2:45 for payment
And I spend about $200 in gas going from Miami to Pompano Beach everyday
Phone bill is 100
Electricity is 100
So I'll just run this all up so
So before putting any food in my house my overhead cost of living right now is $2,900
In all reality in order for me to get good grades I really can realistically only work 2 days a week
And this is when reality hits
I'm capable of only working eight shifts a month I have to cover at least $3,500 so I can eat and live
Being an independent person the reality of it is unless I saved all the money prior to going to school the only job options really that would be able to cover these costs with these kind of hours would be stripping or massaging and clubs like I'm doing or bartending unfortunately if you're not a people person or unattractive none of these are options for you
How crazy is that
Ever wonder why most successful people are attractive?
To start and learn people and how to communicate and I have the drive you're putting these positions and when you overcome them that's success
I've never thought of it like that
I am very lucky.

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December 2nd, 2015

05:00 pm - Thoughts

Your words are your truth
They are your perception of me
The olivia that you project

Saying I love you forever is like having sex outside
Its sexy because of the thought of being caught.

We aren't capable of loving someone forever.

Always wanting more and never satisfied is hell

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November 29th, 2015

02:52 pm - Wow, all the signs man pooor jay

Lies All Addicts Tell Themselves (and You) 11 Months Ago
Lie #1: I don’tcare about t my life and I don’t care if my addiction kills me.

It’s a sad, low point when an addict believes that life is meaningless. They are so consumed with pain and grief that the depression seems to justify the rampant substance abuse.
This is a vicious cycle: the more they use, the worse they feel. If only they could realize that abusing drugs and/or alcohol is the largest barrier that holds them back from discovering a meaningful existence.

Lie #2: I’m in control of my substance use. I can stop whenever I want to.

Control is a big deal for most addicts. This statement allows them to feel like they’re still calling the shots in life; they don’t want to admit they’re chained to their drug(s) of choice.
Deep down, most addicts are desperately searching for some kind of justification and – if they can just convince themselves that addiction is a personal choice – it almost feels like they’re in

Lie #3: I would never be able to manage my problems without drugs or alcohol.
When you’re struggling with addiction, even the smallest life problems can become amplified. Everyone has issues, but addicts convince themselves there’s no way to survive without self-medicating. What they don’t realize is that substance abuse makes things worse, and addiction is likely causing a majority of their problems.

By living this lie, addicts can feel as if their substance abuse is somehow warranted. It allows them to justify being stuck in a drug-fueled rut.

Lie #4: I’m nothing like Johnny. He’s in bad shape and he definitely needs help.
Addicts like to compare themselves to other addicts as a way to gauge their level of substance abuse. They’ll say things like “Johnny got busted for two DUIs last year, but I never get behind the wheel when I’m wasted.”

As long as there is someone out there who’s much worse off, it’s easy to feel superior and justify your less-severe addictive behaviors. The twisted comparison is really just a foreshadow of what may happen if the addict doesn’t get professional help, and soon.

Lie #5: My addiction doesn’t affect anyone else.
This is probably the most universal lie among addicts. Despite seeing pain and confusion on the faces of loved ones, it’s easier to deny that reality. Instead, they see friends and family members as enemies, constantly judging and trying to dictate their path in life. They confuse concern with control and often respond with, “If I want to do drugs, then that’s what I’m going to do, and you can’t stop me.” This lie represents the selfishness that plays such a large role in addiction.

Lie #6: Life without drugs and alcohol is boring. Life is too short to be sober!
Giving up your drug(s) of choice in pursuit of a healthy, sober lifestyle can be very scary for addicts. The process includes finding new hobbies, new friends, new ways to celebrate, and new ways to relax. Just because you’re sober doesn’t mean the party has to stop.

This common lie comes from a place of fear. Many addicts have never known a social life, or a sex life, without drugs in the equation. The sobering truth is, life will be too short if you don’t end or greatly reduce your substance abuse.

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November 15th, 2015

10:37 pm - Saw the movie steve jobs

Jason=steve jobs
Except more irrational and emotional

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November 12th, 2015

11:59 pm - Be strong enough

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve. Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever have before. Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again. Don’t settle.

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November 3rd, 2015

08:16 am

Now that I think about it when Jason would say that he had someone following boosie to see that to make sure that she wasn't like using his personal information. Total b*******. Jason is such a narcissist that he just had to know how this chick was capable of surviving without him. I'm pretty sure she's doing just fine Jason everything he ever said was a f****** liar anyway so or an exaggeration or down talk. I feel sorry for him and his forever struggle he'll never find his happiness it's not possible it's not capable for someone who doesn't want to grow

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